Feeling Puny

            Sick.  Feeling puny is how we’ve always said it in my family.  And I am sick.  And I do feel puny.  I have a sinus infection.  I just blew my nose and was treated to a thick glob of mucus and blood.  Puny indeed.  When I was young, I heard the phrase and I thought…yes, when you are sick you feel small, overpowered, belittled.  Now, I hear the phrase, and I think that I am always small.  That humanity is small.  We just have absurdly large egos. 

            Depending on your criteria, you could say that humans are the dominant species on earth.  We have destroyed and built many things.  We are not puny on the superficial surface of the world’s stage.  But we are indeed small and powerless.

            My sinus infection will go away.  But there are other germs and diseases which do not go away.  And they can strike at any time.  It is amazing that we are able to feel even a little bit powerful when we can be struck down with no warning.  I could wake up tomorrow and go to the doctor and find out that my sinus infection is not really a sinus infection and that I am going to die.  Not a happy thought.

            Our powers of self delusion never cease to amaze me.  Even though we know that sickness and death are an inevitable part of life…even though we have been witness to it…we can ignore it and go about our lives safe in the self-deluded knowledge that everything will be fine.  But we know deep down that someday things will not be fine. 

            I’m not saying that I want to go through life morbidly obsessed with my own mortality.  More than anything, I am impressed that our brains have the power to wrap us in such a thorough gauze of denial.  We take so many things for granted.  Our brains are our protectors.  They make us forget past pain and heartache…they fill us with false optimism.  And we don’t even know how the things work.

            I slept pretty much all day.  It is weird to be disconnected from the world.  When you sleep all day, you miss a lot.  And in between naps you have a lot of time to think.  And I have been thinking about the fact that something I can’t even see can make me feel like my head is going to explode.  I have also been thinking that next week I will not even be able to recall the feeling of my impending head explosion.  My brain will recall that it happened, but not the intensity of the feeling.  And thank goodness for that.

            I am feeling puny.  And part of the reason is because my brain is looking out for me.  It allows me to feel what I can handle.  If it did not do this, I would never get out of bed, sinus infection or not.  We are grateful sometimes.  For some things.  Often not until there is something wrong.  Today, I am grateful that I have a brain that can make me feel magnificent and puny with equal abandon.

The Chair

            I have no interest in discussing capital punishment for two reasons.  One, I never know how I feel about it.  Philosophically, I am opposed to it.  But if someone hurt my wife or my daughter, well, I would probably take the burden off the state’s hands.  Or at least throw a party when they flipped the switch.  Two, I am not interested in that kind of chair.  You get in there and your pain is immediately followed by the sweet release of death.  The chair I refer to resides in the offices of dentists across the country…dentists who provide a noble service.  I am not ragging on dentists.  I do not think they are sadists.  I do think they are out of their freaking minds, but we’ll get to that.  First, I have some whining to do. See, I just went to the sadist yesterday.

            I am 33 years old and, up until yesterday, every dentist visit I have had has consisted of them asking me if I floss.  No.  Brush?  Yes.  They clean the teeth.  “Well, you got lucky, you have good teeth…carry on.”  Not this time.  Ironically, I do floss now.  Not every day.  But sometimes.  My wife and I decided to go together with our 2 ½ year old daughter.  I mention this because we had to pretend the whole time that the dentist is AWESOME.  Like Disney land, but cheaper.  Anyway.

            So, they put the uncomfortable little plastic things in my mouth and covered me in a lead vest and took their damn pictures.  Big smiles…this is FUN, honey.  Then we wait.  Then I play I spy for an hour while they clean my wife’s teeth.  Then they get to me and we pass the child like a baton.  Then they tell me (ME!) that I have two cavities.  This hurt me far deeper than you will ever understand.  But they did the cleaning, I scheduled an appointment to come back and get drilled (gonna be hard to make that sound fun).  Blah, blah, blah.

            Now, onto the more important consideration.  Why in god’s name would anyone want to be a dentist?.  I don’t buy the ‘couldn’t get into medical school’ explanation.  It sounds mean.  And unlikely.  Dentists make OK money, but nothing spectacular as far as I know.  I can understand why you would want to be a plumber…even though you might get sprayed with sewage.  The money is great for the level of education and initial cash outlay necessary.  But you have to do some serious schooling to be a dentist.  And there is one even more important reason I think they are crazy.  No one hates plumbers.  Plumbers are like superheroes.  Sure, the time the main line backed up and the guy wearing rubber gloves covered in slime asked to use my cell phone I was less than stoked.  (You’ve never seen a sanitation job like I did on that phone).  But everyone, unless they are weird fetishists, dislikes the dentist.  Maybe I am wrong.  But if there are dentist fans out there, I have never met one.  It’s like deciding you want to grow up to be the grim reaper. 

            So, why do we hate the dentist?  Well, because going to the dentist royally sucks.  It’s like being in A Clockwork Orange.  Horrorshow.  They put you in a chair and shine a bright light in your face.  They put a bib on you.  They put their hands in your mouth and take all kinds of liberties with your tongue, teeth, and saliva!  There is a spray of plaque and water and ??? clouding the office.  Getting on you, getting on the dentist (they don’t seem to mind?!?).  They often make you bleed and don’t apologize.  Even the polishing sucks.  Fluoride sucks.  Granted, they have made some improvements since I was a kid.  But it still sucks. 

            So, what’s in it for the dentist?  They get sprayed with saliva/plaque juice.  They make you feel small for not thinking about dental hygiene all the time…which is a big reason we hate them.  They have to look at people’s teeth.  They have to put their hands in your mouth.  I don’t get it.  What kind of person signs up for this?  Who goes to college and says, “hmm, I want to infantilize people and be hated for the rest of my life…I want to make children cry and then try to make it OK by letting them pick some cheap toy from a ‘treasure box’…damnit, I want to go home covered in other people’s plaque!”  Who?  Why?  It is one of the great mysteries.  It makes me look for ulterior motives.  Do they like nitrous oxide that much?  You can buy it at head shops if the sound of helicopter blades and dying brain cells is your thing.  Do they enjoy the crying of children?  Are they really making millions and I don’t know it? 

            So, I went to the dentist.  He gave me a hard time about not seeing him for over four years.  Why, he asked?  REALLY?  Why?  Why don’t you take a guess, nimrod?  And keep both your hands where I can see them.

            I’ll go get my cavities fixed.  And then I will wait another four years.  Because the dentist sucks.  I don’t care if they seem nice…it’s like a ‘serial killer’ nice.  And I take back what I said in the beginning when I had lofty aspirations about being “fair”.  I think there is something up with them.  I don’t trust them.  I don’t like people’s hands in my mouth.  And I don’t think there should be an age cut off for hitting the ‘treasure box’ on the way out.  I didn’t even get a free toothbrush.