Rich Meyer - Self-proclaimed 'Harbinger of CHAOS'

Rich Meyer is a friend of mine and a damn solid individual. He is also a fantastic writer. He is also one of the funniest bastards I know. And he knows a lot of useless shit. You’ll see.

Rich, you’re legitimately fucking funny. One of the most ‘natural’ funny people I know. Here’s an opportunity to say something that probably won’t live up to the build up I just provided. Go for it, funny man.

A man walks into a bar. He says “Ow!”

You know I don’t work well under pressure, you bastich!

JD, here. That wasn't the most auspicious start, but knowing Rich, I would guess that the answer is an anagram for "JD, you stupid fucker. Enjoy the cookies I'll be sending you. Eat three at least."

I know you love comics. For whatever reason, I never got into comics. I loved Tom Swift and the Hardy Boys and whatnot…I’ve often wondered why I didn’t get into comic books. What’s your theory, and why did you? (Girls, right?)

I think you were probably a bit more gregarious as a kid than I was – I’ve always been a geek and borderline nerd, so that’s probably why you picked actual books over comics. I read a lot of Tom Swift myself at least 4^th grade, though I never got into the Hardy Boys. I do have to admit that Nancy Drew’s issue of Playboy was pretty damn sweet.

I got into comics, I think, because they were a cheap way for my mom to make me shut up. Plus, I was a sickly youngster, in that I was in the hospital for months at a time – almost died a couple of times from high fevers brought on by earaches, pneumonia, and a rather nasty reaction to the rubella vaccine. Every day my mom or my grandfather would visit me, I’d end up getting a new comic book. I’d usually end up leaving the hospital with a HUGE stack of comics. Comics were the major way I learned to read. I remember having library consisting of a Fireball XL-5 Little Golden Book, a hardcover copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and comic books out the wazoo.

I'm sorry, I was thinking about the shenanigans my gregarious friends and I used to get up to. Stealing cigarettes was easier than stealing comics now that I think about it.

What authors are you currently excited about?

I don’t necessarily read a lot of newer authors. I’ll re-read anything by Bill Burroughs or Hunter Thompson if the mood strikes. Conan Doyle and Dickens are my favorite classic writers. Among current indies, I really like Alan Hutchinson, William Meikle, C.J. West, and George Shirer. I still haven’t gotten around to reading your books or those of that woman Laurie Boris (but I will; you both scare me because you’re too fucking good). I also think Donna Dillon and Stephanie Myers have a lot of potential, from the books that I’ve read. I’m sure there are loads of other folks that I’m forgetting and will be un-Friended by as soon as this is posted. Remember folks, I remember minutia … but nothing that’s actually useful in the real world.

Although we both managed to remember to post this shit, which is a fucking miracle. You SHOULD be scared of me and Laurie. We've been plotting. I won't divulge the details, but there is a hairless cat, some vegetable oil, and butane involved. 

If you could use your super powers to render ONE author incapable of ever writing again, who would it be?

Oooh, toughie. There are so many that go up and down in quality as they get older and lazier. I think I gotta go with Stephenie Meyer; I’ve honestly tried to read her books and they just fall flat. I have to agree with the Stephen King comparison in which Harry Potter is about overcoming adversity and Twilight is just about getting a boyfriend.  Maybe kids need different inspirations than they did in my day, but that series is just so bland. And sparkling vampires are the root of all evil in the world today.

You know I agree with this. I'd also go with whoever writes the pamphlets for the Westboro Baptist Church.

I like Captain America, but that is some serious propaganda, ain’t it?

It used to be, back when he was walloping Hitler and Mussolini. But after some stuff in the seventies when Cap got to watch Nixon commit suicide (which was one of the best damned comic book stories in history), he had a couple of decades where he wasn’t quite as jingoistic; he was just a guy in a mask with a fancy shield. Now that they’ve brought Bucky Barnes back … fucking Bucky – the one goddamned link that comic books had to reality in that someone died and stayed fucking dead -- and killed him again, Cap is pretty much a sad joke and will remain that way no matter how they revamp him..

I SAID there would be no discussion of 'fucking Bucky'. They had Nixon off himself? Suddenly, my balls feel like raisins. I need to see that.

I happen to think more of my cat than I do most people. I know you’re a pussy guy, too. Why? Why don’t we have pit bulls? We’re gay aren’t we?

Not last I checked. Well, last I checked myself, anyway. Oh, Sela Ward, you hot mama. Err. I can’t do the mean dog thing, since that would involve being mean to the animal. Dogs fight because of hunger, because they’re in heat, and because human beings teach them to fight. This bitch don’t do that.

I’ve got two small dogs, one of which is smaller than most of my five cats. I would have absolutely no problem owning a pit bull right now, or any particular breed, but we don’t have the room right now.

Aha, you go both ways. I'm learning here. Fuck a Bucky, I'm LEARNING.

Everyone is always kissing Laurie Boris’ ass (see previous interviews). Take her down a peg.

Oh, sweet Laurie. How I love the way the moonlight glistens off the sheen of oil on your latex suit with the intriguing cutaways as you prepare for your nightly run through the gauntlet of hoboes you have captured in your cellar, each hoping that tonight – please make it tonight – he or she will be the victor and receive their reward of slippery poignant love, followed by at long last by the hollowpoint bullet that brings freedom from life’s ills!

If you could spend one night cuddling intimately under a quilt and watching a movie with me, what movie would we watch? Would there be petting? HEAVY petting?

Hmm. Very hard choice <rimshot>. I can only narrow it down to two films:

·      Rashomon (1952), one of the single most beautifully photographed films ever made, or

·      Deliverance (1972), because you got real purty lips.

Without using any (ANY!) reference materials, tell me what a Tom Swifty is and give us three good ones.

Oh jeez. I hate having to explain things like this. I know it, but I can never put it into the right words without sounding like an idiot. I know they go something like ‘“We’ve got to get there real quick!” said Tom swiftly’ or something like that.

“Damn it, Jim! I’m a doctor not a boxer” Bones said punchily.

“I’m not taking off my hood!” Josie yelled clitorally.

“Oh Sweet Lord! My foreskin is caught in my zipper!” Fred screamed serratedly.

Not bad, but I believe all the words have to be real. Although I completely think that clitorally and serratedly should be added to the OED. "I like crack rocks," Tom said stonily. That's the shit right there. From 'Tom Swift and his Motorcycle', I believe.

You get to vaporize three people. Who are they?

1.     The guy who invented the Autotuner.  

2.     Whoever decided to bundle Windows Millennium with any computer.

3.     The person who green-lighted Highlander 2: The Quickening.

You get to bestow upon three people the credit they deserve but don’t get. Who?

1.     Frank Zappa, for being one of the last people of the 20^th century to actually compose and record actual music.

2.     Douglas Adams, for being one of the three coolest people in history (the other two, for the record, are Falco and George Takei).

3.     Steve Ditko. He wouldn’t probably take the credit, but he deserves it because he’s Steve GODDAMNED Ditko.

If you had a choice: Wake up in the morning to a kick in the balls from an NFL place kicker (every morning) or punch every third person you see without offering explanation…cop, old lady, baby, it don’t matter…which do you pick?

Cops, old ladies and babies are all inherently evil, so yeah, I’ll do the punching. Am I allowed brass knuckles?

Hell yeah, you are. This is America. You can use brass knuckle DRONES.

(NO LOOKING IT UP!) Why do seagulls have red spots on their beaks?

I bet it’s to bring in the babes. You know what they say: “Big red spot, big nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no more squire!”

Ouch. There is so much failure in this answer. It's almost like you didn't spend your sad, lonely childhood gregariously reading bird books voraciously to stop the torrent of self loathing. THE BABIES PECK IT TO GET FOOD...same reason I had a red dot tattooed on my lip. Pink Dot? That's entirely different and may not exist anymore, but, man, it's sweet to have a fifth of bourbon and a carton of cigarettes delivered to your door. Ah, the good old days. I don't remember them.

What books have you read in the last few years that rocked your shit?

Recent books include Boomerang by Alan Hutchison and Dawnwind Last Earthman Standing by George Shirer. Both of those are indie-written novels that surprised me beyond belief – they could’ve easily been from any “traditional” publisher. Dawnwind is actually now one of my favorite science fiction novels of all time, as it is a rare contemporary space opera.

Finally, the most boring question of all (good ending). What do you make of the ‘indie revolution’? Will it live on? Who is our Che?

Oh, yeah. It is definitely here to stay. This is both a high- and low-watermark for the first flames of the revolution, as people out there everywhere are realizing how easy it is now to publish books that matter to them. Unfortunately, a lot of those same people don’t realize how easy it is to put out complete crap. Once people start realizing that what they write has to be readable to get readers, things will even out and I think we’ll start losing a lot of the bad press that indie writers have been getting. Hopefully, we will also learn to take news and events in the industry with a grain of salt before we go off half-cocked at the slightest bit of fear-mongering.

We don’t have a Che, or any real leader yet. I know a lot of folks would say Mark Coker, but until he adopts a much less venom-filled attitude toward Amazon (y’know, the biggest bloody e-book marketplace on the planet?) he’s not really fit to be any sort of representative for independents as a whole. Will someone rise to take that position? Who knows … we could use someone or something as a point to start the groundswells of support for indies, as soon as we can reach some sort of consensus on what form that support needs to take.

The old adage that everyone has a book in them can now be realized, for good or for bad.

I agree. That is all.

Oh, and give us a trivia question for our readers. You can leave your guess in the comments, readers. I, of course, will not particpate because I know everything and it would be unfair.

Okay, I’m going to write one of the kinds of questions my trivia team would be asked in any of the big internet/radio contests we play in. Remember: Google or any other resources are definitely ALLOWED.  Here we go:

“A big screen character was seen conversing with his young daughter, who he affectionately nicknamed ‘Squirt.’ The young lady’s birthday was coming up soon. What did the young lady want for her birthday present?”

Leave your guesses in the comments, folks. I recommend you don't blow it off. Rich can do things. Computery things. Things that frighten me. And I don't frighten easil...WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? Oh, cat's tail brushed my neck. What were we talking about?

Rich Meyer lives in the wilds of Pennsylvania with his wife Mona, two small (but vicious barking) dogs and five cats. He writes trivia quiz books for the Kindle and other e-readers, as well as being a contributor to Indies Unlimited and a volunteer with the Old Time Radio Researchers Group. 

Rich watches an ungodly number of old TV shows and bizarre movies and reads way too many comic books in order to both research his books and prepare to play in various internet/radio trivia contests. He's also working on a science fiction novel, set in a world of superheroes, and a collection of odd short stories. 

Comic Book trivia Quiz Book #3: 1,001 Comic Book Trivia Questions

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007YUL0CQ

The Music Trivia Quiz Book 

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AZ36XEO

The Golden Age of Radio: 1,001 Questions about Old-Time Radio

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005M6QL5U