How WE ALL ruined book reviews.

I'm a writer, so I hear more complaints, attacks, and laments about book reviews than most. I am well aware that some writers pay for reviews. I am VERY cognizant of the fact that writers "trade" reviews because people email me about it all the time. I don't buy reviews, and I don't "trade" them. Authors who want to trade reviews don't want to trade honest reviews (usually), they want you to give their book five stars while snagging five more for yourself. I am also PAINFULLY aware that readers don't trust book reviews anymore - especially if that book was published by an indie writer or a small press. But let's get real here - WE ALL BROKE THE REVIEW SYSTEM! "Five stars" should be reserved for master works and people who have done LOTS of pushups in the mud.

I have written several novels which you can find (along with some short pieces and collections/collaborations) HERE. Take a look if you like. I have a bunch of five star reviews, and I don't deserve ANY of them. Allow me to explain.

I like the things I write. I would even go so far as to say I think I'm pretty good - I have been writing for twenty years. I especially like Joe Café, even though my other novels sell better. So, I think I've written some good books. And by good books, I mean THREE or FOUR star books.

Here's the problem, and I have been guilty of it, too. Let's break it down.

You read a book and, if you're lucky, it resonates with you and you're psyched to tell the world how dope it is. So, you go on Amazon or Goodreads (if you're brave and can understand how the hell it works) and you throw up a five star review. The author, of course, shares the review because we need to EAT. But there's a problem.

I appreciate every review I get, one star or five. OK, I don't care much for the "one star" ones that offer no insight besides "too much profanity," but I'm actually STOKED when I get a three or four star review vs. a five star review. Too many five star reviews looks shady, and I'm not shady. I'm actually annoyingly ethical about this kind of stuff - or I try to be. You want to give a book you like as many stars as possible, and that makes sense. But it's a lie. Here's why.

I've left five stars for books that I now wish I hadn't. Not because I don't think they are good books - I wouldn't have given them glowing reviews if I didn't, but because book reviews are a system based upon perceived consistency. Or they should be. If someone gives Joe Café a five star review, that's really nice. It's also really WRONG. If my novel gets five stars, what are you going to give Steinbeck for East of Eden? FIVE STARS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS. So, you give me a five star review, how many stars are you going to give The Count of Monte Cristo? Because, while I like every novel I've written, I have never written a novel as good as To Kill a Mockingbird (to name one of many).

Now, it get's tricky because I have also never written a novel anything like To Kill a Mockingbird. But the differences in subject, tone, "social value", etc. don't change the fact that the review system is supposed to judge a book on its merits as a piece of writing. It is supposed to be an honest and objective appraisal of literary merit. Too often, this doesn't happen, even with "official book reviewers."

Here's a good example. Not too long ago, I read and reviewed Sliding Past Vertical by Laurie Boris. It's a great book - one of the best novels I've read recently. Laurie is also a friend of mine. I made it clear that I don't give "special" reviews to people I know. And I don't. It's an awesome book, and I would have loved it just as much if someone else had written it. You should read it. That doesn't change the fact that it's not a five star book. Neither are any of mine. If Laurie and I get five stars, what the hell does Shakespeare deserve? A galaxy of stars?

Look, you finish reading a book and you're psyched on it - you want to tell the world! So, you do. With five big ol' stars. I did Laurie a disservice (it wasn't intentional), I loved the book, but I should have given more thought to how her book exists within the context of literary history. And then there's an even trickier issue - there is a part of all of us that roots for the underdog, so we are more likely to give five stars to a relatively unknown author than an established or long dead and lauded author even though that hurts them, really, making it appear as though they ARE shady review traders. We want to help the 'little guy'. Except...

Except when we want to kneecap a struggling writer. I don't ever want to do that. And, fortunately, it hasn't happened to me (at least not in stars, usually it's smack talk behind my back), but I know excellent writers with books that deserve four stars that get a bunch of one star reviews that are created solely from spite and jealousy. Those are even less helpful than the five star reviews that should have been 3 stars and a detailed review about WHY IT WAS SO GOOD IT DESERVED THREE STARS.

We're all learning. This is a new and exciting time for writing and writers (and readers), but we shouldn't (writers OR readers) complain about the abundance of unwarranted five star reviews or the proliferation of "spite reviews" because we all allowed it to happen. If I get a five star review, I immediately put that bad boy on Facebook, even if I don't want to, because I NEED TO EAT. Part of me wishes it was a four star review because I KNOW I'm not in the same league as Michael Chabon (for example). Someday, maybe, but not right now. He certainly has far MORE reviews than me, but our batting average is similar if you just look at the stars. And that's not fair.

I'm not looking to blame anyone. I am willing to shoulder my share of the blame, as I said (good intentions can lead us in the wrong direction, that's called being human). But I can't sit idly by while people assume that an underdog writer with a lot of five star reviews "just got their friends and family to write reviews or paid for them in 'some way'." Sure, some of my friends and family read my stuff. And some of them leave reviews. And they're probably too generous. Not always. And not many of my friends or family members read what I write, frankly.

Five star reviews should go to books that deserve them. None of my books do. I think an argument could be made that I deserve some four star reviews. I definitely deserve three star reviews. I am not trying to be humble or a martyr. I THINK MY BOOKS ARE PRETTY DAMN GOOD. But "pretty damn good" is not the way I would describe All The Pretty Horses - it would be more along the lines of "absolutely brilliant." And All the Pretty Horses isn't as good as a lot of books I've read. So, I shouldn't even give IT five stars, dig? It's hard, but that means we need to think about it more, not less. And we need to stop pointing fingers unless we point them at the person we see in the mirror as well.

Writers and readers have screwed this up. Go look up the best book you've ever read and look at how many stars it has. I bet you'll be surprised. A bunch of folks thought it was a pile of crap.

I am not trying to convince you NOT to buy my books (please do!), but I AM saying that those books deserve 3 or 4 stars. The problem is that we've broken the system to the point where people see a three star review and assume the book must suck. But if we can't trust the good reviews or the bad reviews, we're stuck. We need HONEST reviews. Writers need them. Readers need them so they can make rational decisions about how to spend their money and time.

Twilight fever is abating, but how many five star reviews did that book get? How many five star reviews of Fifty Shades of Grey are there? I'm not picking on them (not my style, wouldn't be fair). Let's pick on a writer whose work I appreciate: Hugh Howey. I'm all kinds of jealous of that dude sometimes. I'm also happy for his success. I wish him more of it, but look at his reviews. Judging by stars alone, he's as good as Steinbeck. I don't know Hugh personally, but I know enough about him to think that he's A) a good guy and B) not a totally deluded narcissist. Something tells me if you asked him who deserves more stars, he'd go with Steinbeck.

The system is broken, but pointing fingers isn't going to fix it. Thinking about what those stars really mean might actually set us down the path to literary redemption. Three stars means a book is good. Four stars means it's really, really good. I don't know many writers who deserve five star reviews, myself included.

I'm going to say it one more time: I TOTALLY APPRECIATE THE REVIEWS I GET. But ... if you love one of my books, please give it four stars. When I write a five star book, I'll let you know - trust me.

If you want to check out one of my books, go for it. They're here. Like I said, if I thought they sucked, I wouldn't put my name on them. They don't suck. But they aren't as good as Cannery Row. 

Until we fix this nonsense, it will hurt us all (writers and readers). I'm not giving any more five star reviews unless the book is outstanding. And I would encourage everyone to remember that three stars means the book was good. Four stars means it was great. Five stars means people will still be talking about it in 200 years.

We've gotten to this weird place where you look at any given book (written recently) and you see a ton of five star reviews, a few four, some one star reviews, and VERY FEW IN THE MIDDLE. A good book should have a lot of three star reviews with some enthusiastic five star reviews and a handful of "this book didn't suit MY tastes, so it's garbage" one star reviews. It should have some four and two star reviews, too. There's a lot of grey in between the effusive five star salute and the one-fingered one star dismissal. Until we get this straight, book reviews will continue to be meaningless.

This has been your public service rant for the day. Now, I'm going to work on the third Matt Stark novel and hope it's good enough to get a BUNCH of four star reviews!

Rich Meyer - Self-proclaimed 'Harbinger of CHAOS'

Rich Meyer is a friend of mine and a damn solid individual. He is also a fantastic writer. He is also one of the funniest bastards I know. And he knows a lot of useless shit. You’ll see.

Rich, you’re legitimately fucking funny. One of the most ‘natural’ funny people I know. Here’s an opportunity to say something that probably won’t live up to the build up I just provided. Go for it, funny man.

A man walks into a bar. He says “Ow!”

You know I don’t work well under pressure, you bastich!

JD, here. That wasn't the most auspicious start, but knowing Rich, I would guess that the answer is an anagram for "JD, you stupid fucker. Enjoy the cookies I'll be sending you. Eat three at least."

I know you love comics. For whatever reason, I never got into comics. I loved Tom Swift and the Hardy Boys and whatnot…I’ve often wondered why I didn’t get into comic books. What’s your theory, and why did you? (Girls, right?)

I think you were probably a bit more gregarious as a kid than I was – I’ve always been a geek and borderline nerd, so that’s probably why you picked actual books over comics. I read a lot of Tom Swift myself at least 4^th grade, though I never got into the Hardy Boys. I do have to admit that Nancy Drew’s issue of Playboy was pretty damn sweet.

I got into comics, I think, because they were a cheap way for my mom to make me shut up. Plus, I was a sickly youngster, in that I was in the hospital for months at a time – almost died a couple of times from high fevers brought on by earaches, pneumonia, and a rather nasty reaction to the rubella vaccine. Every day my mom or my grandfather would visit me, I’d end up getting a new comic book. I’d usually end up leaving the hospital with a HUGE stack of comics. Comics were the major way I learned to read. I remember having library consisting of a Fireball XL-5 Little Golden Book, a hardcover copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and comic books out the wazoo.

I'm sorry, I was thinking about the shenanigans my gregarious friends and I used to get up to. Stealing cigarettes was easier than stealing comics now that I think about it.

What authors are you currently excited about?

I don’t necessarily read a lot of newer authors. I’ll re-read anything by Bill Burroughs or Hunter Thompson if the mood strikes. Conan Doyle and Dickens are my favorite classic writers. Among current indies, I really like Alan Hutchinson, William Meikle, C.J. West, and George Shirer. I still haven’t gotten around to reading your books or those of that woman Laurie Boris (but I will; you both scare me because you’re too fucking good). I also think Donna Dillon and Stephanie Myers have a lot of potential, from the books that I’ve read. I’m sure there are loads of other folks that I’m forgetting and will be un-Friended by as soon as this is posted. Remember folks, I remember minutia … but nothing that’s actually useful in the real world.

Although we both managed to remember to post this shit, which is a fucking miracle. You SHOULD be scared of me and Laurie. We've been plotting. I won't divulge the details, but there is a hairless cat, some vegetable oil, and butane involved. 

If you could use your super powers to render ONE author incapable of ever writing again, who would it be?

Oooh, toughie. There are so many that go up and down in quality as they get older and lazier. I think I gotta go with Stephenie Meyer; I’ve honestly tried to read her books and they just fall flat. I have to agree with the Stephen King comparison in which Harry Potter is about overcoming adversity and Twilight is just about getting a boyfriend.  Maybe kids need different inspirations than they did in my day, but that series is just so bland. And sparkling vampires are the root of all evil in the world today.

You know I agree with this. I'd also go with whoever writes the pamphlets for the Westboro Baptist Church.

I like Captain America, but that is some serious propaganda, ain’t it?

It used to be, back when he was walloping Hitler and Mussolini. But after some stuff in the seventies when Cap got to watch Nixon commit suicide (which was one of the best damned comic book stories in history), he had a couple of decades where he wasn’t quite as jingoistic; he was just a guy in a mask with a fancy shield. Now that they’ve brought Bucky Barnes back … fucking Bucky – the one goddamned link that comic books had to reality in that someone died and stayed fucking dead -- and killed him again, Cap is pretty much a sad joke and will remain that way no matter how they revamp him..

I SAID there would be no discussion of 'fucking Bucky'. They had Nixon off himself? Suddenly, my balls feel like raisins. I need to see that.

I happen to think more of my cat than I do most people. I know you’re a pussy guy, too. Why? Why don’t we have pit bulls? We’re gay aren’t we?

Not last I checked. Well, last I checked myself, anyway. Oh, Sela Ward, you hot mama. Err. I can’t do the mean dog thing, since that would involve being mean to the animal. Dogs fight because of hunger, because they’re in heat, and because human beings teach them to fight. This bitch don’t do that.

I’ve got two small dogs, one of which is smaller than most of my five cats. I would have absolutely no problem owning a pit bull right now, or any particular breed, but we don’t have the room right now.

Aha, you go both ways. I'm learning here. Fuck a Bucky, I'm LEARNING.

Everyone is always kissing Laurie Boris’ ass (see previous interviews). Take her down a peg.

Oh, sweet Laurie. How I love the way the moonlight glistens off the sheen of oil on your latex suit with the intriguing cutaways as you prepare for your nightly run through the gauntlet of hoboes you have captured in your cellar, each hoping that tonight – please make it tonight – he or she will be the victor and receive their reward of slippery poignant love, followed by at long last by the hollowpoint bullet that brings freedom from life’s ills!

If you could spend one night cuddling intimately under a quilt and watching a movie with me, what movie would we watch? Would there be petting? HEAVY petting?

Hmm. Very hard choice <rimshot>. I can only narrow it down to two films:

·      Rashomon (1952), one of the single most beautifully photographed films ever made, or

·      Deliverance (1972), because you got real purty lips.

Without using any (ANY!) reference materials, tell me what a Tom Swifty is and give us three good ones.

Oh jeez. I hate having to explain things like this. I know it, but I can never put it into the right words without sounding like an idiot. I know they go something like ‘“We’ve got to get there real quick!” said Tom swiftly’ or something like that.

“Damn it, Jim! I’m a doctor not a boxer” Bones said punchily.

“I’m not taking off my hood!” Josie yelled clitorally.

“Oh Sweet Lord! My foreskin is caught in my zipper!” Fred screamed serratedly.

Not bad, but I believe all the words have to be real. Although I completely think that clitorally and serratedly should be added to the OED. "I like crack rocks," Tom said stonily. That's the shit right there. From 'Tom Swift and his Motorcycle', I believe.

You get to vaporize three people. Who are they?

1.     The guy who invented the Autotuner.  

2.     Whoever decided to bundle Windows Millennium with any computer.

3.     The person who green-lighted Highlander 2: The Quickening.

You get to bestow upon three people the credit they deserve but don’t get. Who?

1.     Frank Zappa, for being one of the last people of the 20^th century to actually compose and record actual music.

2.     Douglas Adams, for being one of the three coolest people in history (the other two, for the record, are Falco and George Takei).

3.     Steve Ditko. He wouldn’t probably take the credit, but he deserves it because he’s Steve GODDAMNED Ditko.

If you had a choice: Wake up in the morning to a kick in the balls from an NFL place kicker (every morning) or punch every third person you see without offering explanation…cop, old lady, baby, it don’t matter…which do you pick?

Cops, old ladies and babies are all inherently evil, so yeah, I’ll do the punching. Am I allowed brass knuckles?

Hell yeah, you are. This is America. You can use brass knuckle DRONES.

(NO LOOKING IT UP!) Why do seagulls have red spots on their beaks?

I bet it’s to bring in the babes. You know what they say: “Big red spot, big nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no more squire!”

Ouch. There is so much failure in this answer. It's almost like you didn't spend your sad, lonely childhood gregariously reading bird books voraciously to stop the torrent of self loathing. THE BABIES PECK IT TO GET FOOD...same reason I had a red dot tattooed on my lip. Pink Dot? That's entirely different and may not exist anymore, but, man, it's sweet to have a fifth of bourbon and a carton of cigarettes delivered to your door. Ah, the good old days. I don't remember them.

What books have you read in the last few years that rocked your shit?

Recent books include Boomerang by Alan Hutchison and Dawnwind Last Earthman Standing by George Shirer. Both of those are indie-written novels that surprised me beyond belief – they could’ve easily been from any “traditional” publisher. Dawnwind is actually now one of my favorite science fiction novels of all time, as it is a rare contemporary space opera.

Finally, the most boring question of all (good ending). What do you make of the ‘indie revolution’? Will it live on? Who is our Che?

Oh, yeah. It is definitely here to stay. This is both a high- and low-watermark for the first flames of the revolution, as people out there everywhere are realizing how easy it is now to publish books that matter to them. Unfortunately, a lot of those same people don’t realize how easy it is to put out complete crap. Once people start realizing that what they write has to be readable to get readers, things will even out and I think we’ll start losing a lot of the bad press that indie writers have been getting. Hopefully, we will also learn to take news and events in the industry with a grain of salt before we go off half-cocked at the slightest bit of fear-mongering.

We don’t have a Che, or any real leader yet. I know a lot of folks would say Mark Coker, but until he adopts a much less venom-filled attitude toward Amazon (y’know, the biggest bloody e-book marketplace on the planet?) he’s not really fit to be any sort of representative for independents as a whole. Will someone rise to take that position? Who knows … we could use someone or something as a point to start the groundswells of support for indies, as soon as we can reach some sort of consensus on what form that support needs to take.

The old adage that everyone has a book in them can now be realized, for good or for bad.

I agree. That is all.

Oh, and give us a trivia question for our readers. You can leave your guess in the comments, readers. I, of course, will not particpate because I know everything and it would be unfair.

Okay, I’m going to write one of the kinds of questions my trivia team would be asked in any of the big internet/radio contests we play in. Remember: Google or any other resources are definitely ALLOWED.  Here we go:

“A big screen character was seen conversing with his young daughter, who he affectionately nicknamed ‘Squirt.’ The young lady’s birthday was coming up soon. What did the young lady want for her birthday present?”

Leave your guesses in the comments, folks. I recommend you don't blow it off. Rich can do things. Computery things. Things that frighten me. And I don't frighten easil...WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? Oh, cat's tail brushed my neck. What were we talking about?

Rich Meyer lives in the wilds of Pennsylvania with his wife Mona, two small (but vicious barking) dogs and five cats. He writes trivia quiz books for the Kindle and other e-readers, as well as being a contributor to Indies Unlimited and a volunteer with the Old Time Radio Researchers Group. 

Rich watches an ungodly number of old TV shows and bizarre movies and reads way too many comic books in order to both research his books and prepare to play in various internet/radio trivia contests. He's also working on a science fiction novel, set in a world of superheroes, and a collection of odd short stories. 

Comic Book trivia Quiz Book #3: 1,001 Comic Book Trivia Questions

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007YUL0CQ

The Music Trivia Quiz Book 

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AZ36XEO

The Golden Age of Radio: 1,001 Questions about Old-Time Radio

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005M6QL5U

Interview with LB Clark! AKA Ms. Cranky McCrankypants?

Full Disclosure: Laura is a friend of mine. And a great writer. Hence, she gets to be on my blog. Ta DA!

What's the best song ever written (no copping out, pick one)?

“Best song” can mean a lot of things – technical greatness, sales power, etc.  But for me, the best sorts of songs are those that touch something inside of you, that wrap around your heart or mind or soul and leave you changed.  There are a lot of amazing songs out in the universe that have that power, but if I have to pick one, it’s going to be Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man.”  

JD, here. That is a seriously random choice. I like it. I would have gone with something by Justin Bieber.

You love music and writing, why?

You know, I think the main character from my Jukebox Heroes series, Elizabeth Morgan, explained the music thing pretty well:

“For some people, music is just noise, pleasant sound to fill up the silence or drown out what they don't want to hear. To me, it's much more than that. Music can energize me, soothe me, motivate me. Make me laugh, make me cry, make me see things in a new way. It can make me think or quiet my mind.”

With music, it’s about connecting with other people’s thoughts, experiences, and emotions.  Writing is the flipside of that: connecting by sharing my thoughts, experiences, and emotions.

So basically, I love writing and music because they allow me to connect with people, to know that others have felt and thought the same as I do, and to let others know that they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings.

As for writing about music...that’s a whole different animal.  Originally, I had this idea that I wanted to present musicians as ‘regular people’ because folks have a tendency to treat them like zoo animals.  Musicians are often adored in spite of who they are, or at least with a disregard of who they are.  They are also often despised for ‘having it made’ (the Money for Nothing myth).  So instead of playing into the mythos and the glamor and all that jazz, I make a point of pointing out the ups and downs, the good and the bad of both the musicians in my stories and of the lives they lead.

That's important, I think. A lot of people don't realize that there are many successful musicians that work tirelessly and carry their own equipment.

What makes you happy enough to drink in celebration?

Not that I’m much of a drinker, really, but I’d have to say it’s those moments when someone sends me a message on Facebook or writes a short review on Goodreads or Amazon to let me know how much they were moved by something I wrote.  I might actually, really, honestly drink in celebration if I actually graduate in May.  

You'll graduate. Then, I suggest some kind of fancy mixed drink. Like 'Thunderbird' and Sprite.

What makes you angry enough to consider injecting alcohol straight into your vein?

Dealing with my university.  Also, being treated like I am stupid or inferior.  Bitch, please.

I know people can be annoying, but injecting alcohol is crazytown. I can't believe you even suggested that.

What author do you want to stick with a pitchfork because they're so good - I'm going Chabon myself (with a pitchfork of love)?

I don’t think I want to stick anyone with a pitchfork for being good.  That doesn’t add up in my very weird brain.  But if I did want to stick someone with a pitchfork for being just that damn good, I think it might be Laurie Boris.  Reading her books always makes me feel like I need to step up my game.

The pitchfork is metaphorical, G. Really, I'd like to cuddle quietly with Chabon while he reads 'Where the Red Fern Grows' to me. And then we cry...the crying gets desperate...almost breathless...let's move on...

Do you think Indie writers will win the war of juvenile bullshit (WOJB)?

You know, I really do think we will.  And you know why?  Because we’re tenacious.  As indies, we have to be.  We have to have that rare and precious ability to just hold on to our dreams and keep plugging away, and that same bullheadedness will see us victorious in the WOJB.

We will attack in Red and Black!

What is the weirdest thing anyone has ever said to you?

People have said a lot of weird things to me.  I’ve had drunk people call me at work and say some really random shit.  But the things that strike me as really weird are those things that are so unexpected they take my breath away.  To that end, I’ve have to say the weirdest thing was said to me last April.  I had posted on my Facebook wall on what would have been my dad’s 80^th birthday, and my buddy Ryan – who I barely knew at all then and have never even spoken to – told me my dad would be proud of me and that I had the kind of courage that any parent would be proud of.  I’d never seen myself as particularly courageous, but the bigger part of what made that ‘weird’ was that my dad was always, always telling me he was proud of me, even though most of the time I had no idea what there was to be proud of.  

You live in Texas. Why? In the name of God, why?

I was born in Texas.  My family and some of my friends are in Texas.  And um...I haven’t made it out yet.  Though I have to say that Galveston isn’t really like the rest of Texas, and it’s been pretty awesome living here.

Dallas frightened me. I don't want to talk about it.

If you had to punch David Antrobus in the face or kill a kitten, which would you do?

I couldn’t kill a kitten, and Antrobus wouldn’t want me to.  Besides, I hit like a girl.  I’d totally go with punching Antrobus in the face.

He would totally WANT to be punched in the face, too. (And he TAKES a hit like a girl).

What makes you want to write?

I’ve loved writing stories as far back as I can remember.  A lot of that was inspired by my teachers, who gave us writing assignments and made a point of reading aloud or posting the best ones, my mom, who instilled in me a love of reading, and my older brothers, who were always writing stories and poems and parody songs.

Honestly, though, the thing that got me writing and sharing my work was fanfiction.  I read a lot of fan fiction in a particular fandom (Harry Potter, if you must know), and some of it was brilliant.  Some of it was crap, though, and I knew I could do better.  So I did.  

Many years later, I learned that indie writers could self-publish, and so I decided to give it a try.  People liked it.  Some people loved it.  And that love, that connection, gives me a whole new reason to want to write.

Mainly, though, I have to get the stuff that’s in my head out somehow.  When I don’t write enough, my brain gets cluttered, and I turn into Ms. Cranky McCrankypants.  It’s not pretty.

I can so relate to that. Only I call myself 'Sire" or Admiral McCrankypants. But never late for dinner.

You get to vaporize three people...who are they?

See, if I was going to vaporize people, I’d probably want a time-machine first (goodbye Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and Stephenie Meyer), but without the time machine, it gets a little tougher.  I’d probably pick a state-level politician, a celebritard, and some assholish foreign dictator.  Or maybe some of the dipshits in the media (don’t get me started!).  Or maybe the next three people who cut me off in traffic.

LB Clark currently resides on Galveston Island, where she spends as much time writing as possible (when she's not being distracted by her roommates, her friends, her day job, books, or random shiny objects). She has loved both writing and music from an early age, so combining the two seemed like the thing to do. In addition to her stories in Music Speaks, LB has published three books in the same series.

When she's not busy with writing or work, LB's favorite pastimes include travel and music. Much like writing and music, she has often combined her love of music with travel, usually with her best friend and co-conspirator, Erin McGowan, by her side. The two have visited a wide array of places in order to attend concerts, including Natchitoches, Louisiana; Nashville; Orlando; and Albuquerque. The most interesting and insane adventure they undertook for the sake of music, however, was a road trip from Texas to California in the summer of 2011.

LB dreams of one day being able to combine her three big loves - travel, music, and writing- into a career. In the meantime, she'll just keep weaving her travels and love of music into her writing.

Check the books out: Amazon Page!

Interview with Laurie E. Boris!

Full disclosure: Laurie is a good friend of mine. I have friends who can't write for shit. Laurie can write for shit, so she gets interviewed. Hate the game, not the player.

What do you dislike most about doing these kinds of interviews?

I can’t hide behind that little giggle-hair-flip-cross-and-uncross-my-legs-like-Sharon-Stone thing. And often the questions are the same. “Tell us about your book.” Jeez. Like I haven’t seen that one a hundred times already.

Tell me something that you are too embarrassed to tell most people…

I read the Twilight books. Every single one of them. Of my own free will. I even paid for them. Okay, let the mockery begin.

[JD here; I am appalled.]

What writers are you jealous of?

Well, you, of course. And the guy who writes the Richard Castle books. That’s one cool gig. Also Joyce Carol Oates, because she can write three-quarters of a brilliant novel while she’s at Jiffy Lube waiting for her oil change. She writes the rest during the ride home, on an iPhone using her left foot.

[We should totally kneecap her...she's too good.]

Who would you rather spend eternity with: Mark Twain, Michael Chabon, or Sue Grafton and why?

Hard one. Twain and Grafton probably have mad survival skills. But I can talk about comic books with Michael Chabon. So I’d choose him.

[Always the pragmatist!]

You have to eat one meal for the rest of your life, day in, day out. What is it?

Pad Thai. It has a little bit of everything, and I never get tired of it.

How important is writing? How high would the stakes have to be for you to quit?

Considering the lengths I’ve gone through to continue writing despite multiple and recurring health problems, pretty darned high. It has literally saved my life. I try to repay that gift by moving heaven and earth to continue writing and “giving back” to other writers. So. Not quitting. Ever.

How is writing like the first day of school?

When I start writing a book, I don’t know any of the other kids. I don’t know who will end up being my best friend and who will try to stuff me in a locker. Everything is so big and confusing and overwhelming. Mainly I want to run away and hide in a drainage pipe.

[You just need to do more locker-stuffing yourself.]

Do you write barefoot? Why do you think I asked you this question?

Because you want to know if I’m secretly multitasking using Joyce Carol Oates’ foot-operated smartphone? Or if I wear a toe ring? The answers are no and yes.

[WRONG! That's not the reason I asked. You lose five interview points. Go back to 'When did you first realize you wanted to be a writer?']

Would you rather be a super-rich, mediocre writer or an outstanding, poverty stricken writer?

I am a recovering perfectionist. Being told I’ll have to settle for mediocre at anything horrifies me to the point of cutting myself and eating my hair. Besides, if I win a Pulitzer, I can pawn it, right?

[Cool, you take the high road, I'm selling out at the first opportunity.]

What would you write if no one else could read it?

There are a few people I want to put through fictional woodchippers. One day…one day…

Have you ever smuggled illegal lollipops across international borders?

Yes, but the evidence is gone now. By the way, you owe my mother ten Euros.

[I have no idea what this is all about. But I do owe lots of people stuff.]

If you could get any one person to sit down for a day and savor your book, who would it be?

Now, I can’t mention any names, but there’s a local author, much revered, much sought-after, with about a zillion FaceTwit friends and a ton of contacts in Hollywood. When she likes a book, she will tell EVERYONE. Repeatedly. In italics. With jazz hands. But it’s really hard to get her to sit down and do anything. So that would be a major coup. Or, if this author is totally unwilling, I’d choose Oprah.

[You don't CHOOSE Oprah, lady. She chooses YOU. Tell your local author to buy 7K copies of my novels please.]

Where do you feel you are in your development as a writer?

Somewhere between a giant tree sloth and a small primate. I’m starting to become sentient, but I don’t always remember why.

Do you think Twilight gets a bad rap?

I think it does. Okay, it’s not Shakespeare. It’s not even Anne Rice. But somebody loved the idea of sparkly, vegetarian vampires enough to write a series about them; a huge audience waxes rhapsodic about the romance. It has power. It’s hard to deny that. Twilight inspired a friend’s dyslexic daughter to read for the pure enjoyment of it. So I gently make fun of it, but not too hard.

[Stop the 'Twilight' propaganda. When Stephenie Meyer interviews you, you better be pushing my books on her.]

Do you like soup? Do you feel it can compete with chewable foods?

I have an uneasy relationship with soup. It’s often disappointing, and I spill frequently. No comparison with, say, a pastrami sandwich and curly fries.

Writing is hard, what’s harder for you?

Writing a synopsis. It’s a vital part of marketing, to actually be able to articulate what your book is about, to talk about grown-up things like theme and metaphors and story arcs. But it’s so frustrating. Steam comes off the top of my head when I draft those things. Mainly because I don’t normally write tidy books with neat little plots. I would rather hand the book to someone and say, “Here. Just…just read the flippin’ thing.”

[You got that right lady. Fuck a synopsis.]

Is the creative process like a voyage or an escape?

For me, it’s an escape. I feel no pain when I write. All the lousy stuff no longer exists once I escape into a novel I’m writing. The rest of my life is like a voyage, sometimes a bad one, with big waves and seasickness and manatees that look like mermaids.

[Can you hook me up with your 'novel' connect?]

Who do you think would win in a fight between me and John Grisham and why?

Oh, he’ll totally kick your ass if you’re not careful. Just ask James Patterson. It’s that southern-gentleman lawyer thing. Those guys fight dirty. Bring a knife and hide it in your boot.

[You are wrong. I am offended. And I always have a knife.]

Why should people read your books and what will you do to them if they don’t (be as graphic as you like)?

Read my books because the dialogue is pretty good and the characters are real and honest, with heartbreaking flaws. I’ve made grown men cry. Plus if you don’t read by books, I will send JD Mader to your house and he’ll mess you up.

[It's all too true. I'll cut you.]

Laurie! Thanks for the interview. And for plugging the author that doesn't need plugging over and over and over. Read Laurie's stuff people. You won't be disappointed. She bleeds writing.

Bio: Laurie Boris is a freelance writer, editor, proofreader, and former graphic designer. She is the author of three novels: The Joke's on Me, Drawing Breath, and Don’t Tell Anyone. When not playing with the universe of imaginary people in her head, she enjoys baseball, cooking, reading, and helping aspiring novelists as a contributing writer and editor for IndiesUnlimited.com. She lives in New York's Hudson Valley with her illustrator husband and a lot of dust bunnies.

Links and stuff:

Website: http://laurieboris.com

Amazon author page: http://www.amazon.com/author/laurieboris

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/laurie.boris.author

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/LaurieBoris

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4824645.Laurie_Boris