Interview with Laurie E. Boris!

Full disclosure: Laurie is a good friend of mine. I have friends who can't write for shit. Laurie can write for shit, so she gets interviewed. Hate the game, not the player.

What do you dislike most about doing these kinds of interviews?

I can’t hide behind that little giggle-hair-flip-cross-and-uncross-my-legs-like-Sharon-Stone thing. And often the questions are the same. “Tell us about your book.” Jeez. Like I haven’t seen that one a hundred times already.

Tell me something that you are too embarrassed to tell most people…

I read the Twilight books. Every single one of them. Of my own free will. I even paid for them. Okay, let the mockery begin.

[JD here; I am appalled.]

What writers are you jealous of?

Well, you, of course. And the guy who writes the Richard Castle books. That’s one cool gig. Also Joyce Carol Oates, because she can write three-quarters of a brilliant novel while she’s at Jiffy Lube waiting for her oil change. She writes the rest during the ride home, on an iPhone using her left foot.

[We should totally kneecap her...she's too good.]

Who would you rather spend eternity with: Mark Twain, Michael Chabon, or Sue Grafton and why?

Hard one. Twain and Grafton probably have mad survival skills. But I can talk about comic books with Michael Chabon. So I’d choose him.

[Always the pragmatist!]

You have to eat one meal for the rest of your life, day in, day out. What is it?

Pad Thai. It has a little bit of everything, and I never get tired of it.

How important is writing? How high would the stakes have to be for you to quit?

Considering the lengths I’ve gone through to continue writing despite multiple and recurring health problems, pretty darned high. It has literally saved my life. I try to repay that gift by moving heaven and earth to continue writing and “giving back” to other writers. So. Not quitting. Ever.

How is writing like the first day of school?

When I start writing a book, I don’t know any of the other kids. I don’t know who will end up being my best friend and who will try to stuff me in a locker. Everything is so big and confusing and overwhelming. Mainly I want to run away and hide in a drainage pipe.

[You just need to do more locker-stuffing yourself.]

Do you write barefoot? Why do you think I asked you this question?

Because you want to know if I’m secretly multitasking using Joyce Carol Oates’ foot-operated smartphone? Or if I wear a toe ring? The answers are no and yes.

[WRONG! That's not the reason I asked. You lose five interview points. Go back to 'When did you first realize you wanted to be a writer?']

Would you rather be a super-rich, mediocre writer or an outstanding, poverty stricken writer?

I am a recovering perfectionist. Being told I’ll have to settle for mediocre at anything horrifies me to the point of cutting myself and eating my hair. Besides, if I win a Pulitzer, I can pawn it, right?

[Cool, you take the high road, I'm selling out at the first opportunity.]

What would you write if no one else could read it?

There are a few people I want to put through fictional woodchippers. One day…one day…

Have you ever smuggled illegal lollipops across international borders?

Yes, but the evidence is gone now. By the way, you owe my mother ten Euros.

[I have no idea what this is all about. But I do owe lots of people stuff.]

If you could get any one person to sit down for a day and savor your book, who would it be?

Now, I can’t mention any names, but there’s a local author, much revered, much sought-after, with about a zillion FaceTwit friends and a ton of contacts in Hollywood. When she likes a book, she will tell EVERYONE. Repeatedly. In italics. With jazz hands. But it’s really hard to get her to sit down and do anything. So that would be a major coup. Or, if this author is totally unwilling, I’d choose Oprah.

[You don't CHOOSE Oprah, lady. She chooses YOU. Tell your local author to buy 7K copies of my novels please.]

Where do you feel you are in your development as a writer?

Somewhere between a giant tree sloth and a small primate. I’m starting to become sentient, but I don’t always remember why.

Do you think Twilight gets a bad rap?

I think it does. Okay, it’s not Shakespeare. It’s not even Anne Rice. But somebody loved the idea of sparkly, vegetarian vampires enough to write a series about them; a huge audience waxes rhapsodic about the romance. It has power. It’s hard to deny that. Twilight inspired a friend’s dyslexic daughter to read for the pure enjoyment of it. So I gently make fun of it, but not too hard.

[Stop the 'Twilight' propaganda. When Stephenie Meyer interviews you, you better be pushing my books on her.]

Do you like soup? Do you feel it can compete with chewable foods?

I have an uneasy relationship with soup. It’s often disappointing, and I spill frequently. No comparison with, say, a pastrami sandwich and curly fries.

Writing is hard, what’s harder for you?

Writing a synopsis. It’s a vital part of marketing, to actually be able to articulate what your book is about, to talk about grown-up things like theme and metaphors and story arcs. But it’s so frustrating. Steam comes off the top of my head when I draft those things. Mainly because I don’t normally write tidy books with neat little plots. I would rather hand the book to someone and say, “Here. Just…just read the flippin’ thing.”

[You got that right lady. Fuck a synopsis.]

Is the creative process like a voyage or an escape?

For me, it’s an escape. I feel no pain when I write. All the lousy stuff no longer exists once I escape into a novel I’m writing. The rest of my life is like a voyage, sometimes a bad one, with big waves and seasickness and manatees that look like mermaids.

[Can you hook me up with your 'novel' connect?]

Who do you think would win in a fight between me and John Grisham and why?

Oh, he’ll totally kick your ass if you’re not careful. Just ask James Patterson. It’s that southern-gentleman lawyer thing. Those guys fight dirty. Bring a knife and hide it in your boot.

[You are wrong. I am offended. And I always have a knife.]

Why should people read your books and what will you do to them if they don’t (be as graphic as you like)?

Read my books because the dialogue is pretty good and the characters are real and honest, with heartbreaking flaws. I’ve made grown men cry. Plus if you don’t read by books, I will send JD Mader to your house and he’ll mess you up.

[It's all too true. I'll cut you.]

Laurie! Thanks for the interview. And for plugging the author that doesn't need plugging over and over and over. Read Laurie's stuff people. You won't be disappointed. She bleeds writing.

Bio: Laurie Boris is a freelance writer, editor, proofreader, and former graphic designer. She is the author of three novels: The Joke's on Me, Drawing Breath, and Don’t Tell Anyone. When not playing with the universe of imaginary people in her head, she enjoys baseball, cooking, reading, and helping aspiring novelists as a contributing writer and editor for IndiesUnlimited.com. She lives in New York's Hudson Valley with her illustrator husband and a lot of dust bunnies.

Links and stuff:

Website: http://laurieboris.com

Amazon author page: http://www.amazon.com/author/laurieboris

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/laurie.boris.author

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/LaurieBoris

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4824645.Laurie_Boris

The Fear...

Fear is a killer. When I think back on my life, I am crushed by the things I missed out on because I was afraid. I was a pretty fearless and stupid kid, so that’s saying a lot. But therewere fears. There were girls I should have kissed. There were trips I should have taken. There were things I should have tried…or been brave enough not to try. I missed so many opportunities because I was afraid.

Fear is a natural human response. Telling someone to stop being afraid is kind of like telling them to stop having the hiccups. Although if you hiccup at someone who is scared, it doesn’t cure the fear. So, yes, fear ranks higher than hiccups in the…I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

Oh, yes.  Fear. Fear is the writer’s nemesis. I wake up every day, and I punch fear in the testicles because I know it would do the same thing to me if I let it. I’m going to do some generalizing here. You’re going to deal with it because you don’t have a choice. Most of the writers I know…the good ones…are plagued with self-doubt. Maybe not all the time, but enough that it slows them down. They let fear take control.

Writers have a lot to be afraid about. Writing is a very personal thing. And you’re putting your thoughts and feelings out there for people to embrace, laugh at, degrade, and shit on. And it can HURT. Badly. You can tell me you don’t like my shirt. Fine. I didn’t make it. It might annoy me, but I deal. But if you hate my novel (and believe me, there are people who will hate what you write no matter how good it is), I have a much harder time not taking that personally.

We are writers. We pride ourselves on what we create. And if someone craps all over what you created, it is going to hurt. Believe it. You probably already know all about it.  Writers are weird. I can get ten 5 star reviews in a week, and all I think about is the one 4 star review and why the reviewer didn’t “like my novel”.

I am not very vain. You can call me ugly. You can make fun of my baldness. I really don’t care that much. I never claimed to be beautiful. But the words. By God, the words are beautiful. They come from someplace deep inside, and I love them. And when they are devalued, it hurts.

I’m not saying I’m the greatest writer of all time. None of us are. If we were, we wouldn’t be spending our time on Indies Unlimited…we’d be playing croquet with Michael Chabon. Being the best is irrelevant. Because no matter where you fall on the spectrum of greatness, you did the best you could. (Unless you didn’t, in which case you deserve the fear.)

Here’s my point. I think we can all agree Kafka was a pretty talented fellow. He was so afraid that he didn’t want anyone to read what he wrote. He was a writer. Writers are weird. You can do a lot of things to make yourself a better writer, but telling fear to go to hell is right near the top. You will be afraid to push the envelope…what will people say? You will be afraid to share a story you’re not sure about. You will be afraid to let real life into your writing. Or the real you…scars and all. You will have fear dripping out of every pore. Not all the time. But sometimes, sure.

One of the greatest things about being a writer is that you get to do it for a LONG time. Your typing arm isn’t gonna go out on you. You won’t tear your rotator cuff. It doesn’t matter what you look like or smell like. The words matter, that’s it. Give yourself the courage to let your words live. If you don’t do anything else as a writer, do that. Take a chance. When someone offers you an opportunity, take it. If you screw up, learn from it. If someone trashes something you wrote, let them. You have two choices. You can write, fear be damned and be a writer, or you can call yourself a writer and keep making people read that one story that you got a prize for ten years ago.

Fear is your enemy and it breeds in stasis. Do not rest on your laurels or wallow in your defeats. You don’t have time for that. There are more words to be written. Fear doesn’t go away, but you don’t have to listen to it. There are far more important things to listen to. Like that little voice in your head that says, “what if I tried this…would it work?” That is your ‘muse’. And it doesn’t listen to fear unless you allow it to.

THIS ARTICLE FIRST APPEARED ON WWW.INDIESUNLIMITED.COM, WHERE I AM A CONTRIBUTING AUTHOR.

Experiment #1

I have decided to try an experiment. I don’t remember the steps of the scientific method – something about a hypotenuse – so, it will be a very qualitative experiment. Here’s the deal. I recently published my second novel,The Biker, on Kindle. My first novel, Joe Café, still sells here and there, but it’s not flying off the shelves. I plan to release The Biker on Smashwords and Createspace, but, for now, I’m happy with leaving Joe Café on Kindle. So, I met at the crossroads with some marketing folk from Amazon and we signed some KDP Select documents in blood.

The weird thing about this is that I think KDP Select is a bad  thing. It makes me Amazon’s bitch. Basically, it means that Joe Café will be free for 90 days, I get to promote it as free for five, and I somehow get a cut of all the books that are loaned out during the three month period. I’m going to be honest with you before this becomes embarrassing for all of us – I don’t quite “get it”. But that’s never stopped me before.

The catch – or one of the catches – is that I can’t publish Joe Café anywhere else during the 90 day period. Cool, I wasn’t planning on it. And, a whole crapload of people can get my novel for free for a few months (I’m gonna have to wait on that yacht I’ve been eyeing). Whatever. Amazon is smarter than all of us. It’s a great idea from their standpoint. For me, well, it seems kind of fascist, but I’m trying to get past that.

When Amazon first started this program, we Indie writers got our sweatpants all in a bind about it. I was one of the ones that thought, ‘screw the man’. I said it quietly of course because I am deathly afraid of Amazon’s hit squad.

So, why the change of mind? It’s quite simple. Joe Café is a good book. I know I’m biased, but quality, intelligent people have read it and said that they liked it. I’ve gotten lots of good reviews (and most of them I didn’t even bug people to write). But it is…how shall I say this…a novel I wrote while trying to conquer a personal issue of grand, crushing, gnawing proportions. It is not a happy book. There is beauty in there, but there is also brutality…a lot of it. The kind of brutality you write when you are sweating profusely and wishing you were dead.

Now, I still have no problem with this. I like dark fiction. I like Cormac McCarthy a LOT. But, something tells me that Joe Café ain’t gonna make me rich (unless of course it gets made into a movie because for some reason welove dark, disturbing MOVIES whereas dark, disturbing books are somehow immoral…you know, like the Bible). Anyway, my new novel is a little more reader friendly. It’s the first in a series. It’s more “marketable”. There’s a love story. So, my hope is that, like cheap heroin, Kindle readers will read Joe Café and come twitching and bitching for more. Then they will buy The Biker in droves, and then I will buy a yacht. Really, I don’t see how this plan can fail.

I feel a little like I’m doing Joe Café dirty…it’s a book I love very much…it deserves better. I feel like I’m making it my two bit crack whore of Indie book marketing. But, what the hell. Yachts don’t buy themselves. So, I have my hypotenuse. Next I will find control groups or focus groups or a Ford Focus or something and make graphs and tell you all how it worked out for me. Cross your fingers. And pick up a copy of Joe Café on the 16^th and 17^th  (today and tomorrow for you number haters). It’s free. Tell your friends. You can save yourself enough for a few tacos at Taco Bell.

THIS ARTICLE FIRST APPEARED ON WWW.INDIESUNLIMITED.COM, WHERE I AM A CONTRIBUTING AUTHOR.